Suffering and Sovereignty : Wrestling with God is going to be an ongoing journey. I found this reading/devotional plan shortly after Jerrod died and began reading it in the middle of the night when I was nursing Avery. It takes you through the book of Job, Lamentations and Ecclesiastes. It's been helpful for exploring where God is in the midst of my suffering, reminding me of the truth of who God is and trying to experience him as a comforter who is grieving alongside me. There are so many answers I won't have until I see Jesus face-to-face. So many prayers can seem to go unanswered or the outcome does not align with my plea. I've prayed many prayers for Jerrod over the years and this certainly isn't the response I expected to receive. While I don't believe God orchestrates all the pain and suffering in this world, I do know he allows it. Why he intervenes in some situations and not in others, I will never understand. When I'm at my best, I know God can work this for his glory, but I'd rather not have lost my brother or, at the very least, not lost him to suicide.
David Kessler Training : This is an online grief course and workshop that also has a specific course for losing a loved one to suicide. I've only just begun the one specifically for suicide loss and it has 3 parts. The course is free, but I'm not sure about the others.
Surviving A Loss: losing a son to suicide : My aunt, who lost her 14-year-old son to suicide 4 years ago, shared this blog that she had found after Tanner's death. Again, it's just nice - for lack of a better word - to know there are people out there who get what our family is going through.
Books
Currently reading:
Planning to read:
Music
I listened to this playlist on repeat after Jerrod died. In those first few days it was literally the only thing that kept me moving and the only adequate means of expressing my grief and giving me any ounce of hope. My need for God never felt so tangible and attempting to sing along in between sobs served as my cry and plea to the Lord to rescue us from this pain. If you have any other great worship song recommendations drop them in the comments section.
