i need somewhere to put my grief

Today marks a month of my twin brother's tragic passing.  In so many moments it still does not feel real to me. I'm re-entering the blog world to have a space to unleash the pain in my heart and the thoughts in my head.  There are so many conversations I will never have with Jerrod, so I may have them here instead.

The last communication we had with you was a month ago yesterday.  We sent you this video of Jackson riding his birthday gift from you.

You spent so much time and thought into choosing what vehicle to get Jackson, texting different options to both Bret and Cody....finally deciding on the Mickey speedster. You missed Jackson's birthday and had no way of knowing that this was what we had put on Jackson's birthday cake.  It feels like an intuitive gift.  We joked that you should have charged it before giving it to Jackson because it required charging for 24 hours, so you never actually got to see him ride it.  Once we figured out how to charge it, Jackson was a bit afraid of it.  The last message Bret sent you was the video of Jackson actually riding around on it and telling you "thanks Uncle Jerrod."  I don't know if Jackson has said "Uncle Jerrod" since you died and it breaks my heart that this will continue to decrease in frequency as you slowly fade from his world.  I don't know how to keep you alive in his memory when he cannot comprehend death. So when he asks who got him the Mickey car, I simply say "Uncle Jerrod" and I hope he doesn't ask any follow up questions; at least not yet.

Brother, we miss you daily.  There are so many questions and things we'll never understand. I just keep recalling the joy you had with Jackson and I struggle to reconcile it with the pain that must've been brewing underneath. I know you don't feel it anymore and I pray ours lessens by the day so we can simply remember you with a smile on our face; that same infamous smile everyone loved of yours.