I will rescue you?

You are not hidden

There's never been a moment

You were forgotten

You are not hopeless 

Though you have been broken 

Your innocence stolen 

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

There is no distance

That cannot be covered

Over and over

You're not defenseless 

I'll be your shelter 

I'll be your armor 

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you 

In the middle of the hardest fight 

It's true, I will rescue you

I cannot listen to this song without bursting into tears. I have no idea what was going on in Jerrod's mind the night he took his life, but I know it was full of darkness or we wouldn't be grieving his death. My heart breaks and I feel despair for him as I imagine the pain he must've been suffering in those final moments. I wish we could have rescued you, brother. I wish we knew you needed rescuing. It's maybe the hardest part of losing you, knowing you were in so much pain and you were so alone. I know it was your choice. You could have invited us in. You could have let us try to help. Damn your stubborn independence. Even when you were at the height of your drug addiction, you insisted you could fight it on your own... what prideful stupidity. It's so hard to be so angry at you and miss you so much. 

What about you, God... did Jerrod cry out to you? Why couldn't you have rescued him? Was not intervening in his suicide and welcoming him to heaven your rescuing? Why couldn't he have found peace here? There are so many questions, so may cries of my heart with a complete lack of understanding in all of this. It's hard to be so angry with you and so completely dependent upon you. I know you're not afraid of my anger, that you welcome it. And even when I cannot reach out to you, I know you're reaching out to me; that you're still loving me and taking of care of me; that these lyrics are just as much for me.

i need somewhere to put my grief

Today marks a month of my twin brother's tragic passing.  In so many moments it still does not feel real to me. I'm re-entering the blog world to have a space to unleash the pain in my heart and the thoughts in my head.  There are so many conversations I will never have with Jerrod, so I may have them here instead.

The last communication we had with you was a month ago yesterday.  We sent you this video of Jackson riding his birthday gift from you.

You spent so much time and thought into choosing what vehicle to get Jackson, texting different options to both Bret and Cody....finally deciding on the Mickey speedster. You missed Jackson's birthday and had no way of knowing that this was what we had put on Jackson's birthday cake.  It feels like an intuitive gift.  We joked that you should have charged it before giving it to Jackson because it required charging for 24 hours, so you never actually got to see him ride it.  Once we figured out how to charge it, Jackson was a bit afraid of it.  The last message Bret sent you was the video of Jackson actually riding around on it and telling you "thanks Uncle Jerrod."  I don't know if Jackson has said "Uncle Jerrod" since you died and it breaks my heart that this will continue to decrease in frequency as you slowly fade from his world.  I don't know how to keep you alive in his memory when he cannot comprehend death. So when he asks who got him the Mickey car, I simply say "Uncle Jerrod" and I hope he doesn't ask any follow up questions; at least not yet.

Brother, we miss you daily.  There are so many questions and things we'll never understand. I just keep recalling the joy you had with Jackson and I struggle to reconcile it with the pain that must've been brewing underneath. I know you don't feel it anymore and I pray ours lessens by the day so we can simply remember you with a smile on our face; that same infamous smile everyone loved of yours.