I will rescue you?

You are not hidden

There's never been a moment

You were forgotten

You are not hopeless 

Though you have been broken 

Your innocence stolen 

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

There is no distance

That cannot be covered

Over and over

You're not defenseless 

I'll be your shelter 

I'll be your armor 

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you 

In the middle of the hardest fight 

It's true, I will rescue you

I cannot listen to this song without bursting into tears. I have no idea what was going on in Jerrod's mind the night he took his life, but I know it was full of darkness or we wouldn't be grieving his death. My heart breaks and I feel despair for him as I imagine the pain he must've been suffering in those final moments. I wish we could have rescued you, brother. I wish we knew you needed rescuing. It's maybe the hardest part of losing you, knowing you were in so much pain and you were so alone. I know it was your choice. You could have invited us in. You could have let us try to help. Damn your stubborn independence. Even when you were at the height of your drug addiction, you insisted you could fight it on your own... what prideful stupidity. It's so hard to be so angry at you and miss you so much. 

What about you, God... did Jerrod cry out to you? Why couldn't you have rescued him? Was not intervening in his suicide and welcoming him to heaven your rescuing? Why couldn't he have found peace here? There are so many questions, so may cries of my heart with a complete lack of understanding in all of this. It's hard to be so angry with you and so completely dependent upon you. I know you're not afraid of my anger, that you welcome it. And even when I cannot reach out to you, I know you're reaching out to me; that you're still loving me and taking of care of me; that these lyrics are just as much for me.

A letter..

Jerrod,

I was talking with mom this morning just trying to understand what happened, what we missed.  It's hard not to question and wonder if there's anything we could have done to have saved your life.  On the other hand I sat there thinking we knew dad was suicidal because he made multiple attempts and none of us could save him.  So, yes, maybe something we could have said or done could have made some kind of difference, but ultimately none of us could have saved you if you didn't want to save yourself; if you didn't believe it was possible or that you were worth saving.

Brother, I love you and I am so angry with you. We can wrack our brains trying to recall every detail of every conversation looking for the clues that you weren't well... and obviously we missed something. We can sit here and feel guilty and take blame for not knowing you were suicidal; for not asking harder, more direct questions... but you had a responsibility, too - to us. to yourself.  You hid this from us. Or you made cryptic comments that were interpreted one way when you meant another and we didn't clarify. You said you would never kill yourself and we believed you.  We failed each other.

I know there have been many times in my life when I have felt low and I just wanted someone to see me, to call it out for me, to show me that I am worthy and loved; ultimately that's no one's job but my own to discover and believe.  I wish you would have told us, that you could have found the words to let us help you carry your pain. Instead you took your life and gave it to us entirely. It's not fair.  I'm so angry and I'm so sorry.

God, how I wish you would have known and believed that there is no shame in struggling and/or failing.  You fought addiction on your own and we thought you did really well... just imagine how much your life could have changed had you let people fight alongside you instead of holding up this facade that you were strong enough to do it on your own or to deny that you were really struggling at all.  Did you think you'd be a burden? Did you think we'd be disappointed? Did you think you were weak? Did you think you were destined to end up like dad or too afraid to admit that you struggled like dad?  I have so many questions, so many answers I'll never receive.

At the end of the day I worry most that you didn't really think you were worthy or loved just because you were Jerrod.  I worry that you somehow misinterpreted our actions or words in a way that led you to believe that you were not wanted, that you would not be missed.  I know our dad believed some version of this; that he'd be serving us better with his life insurance policy than his actual life. I know you know that wasn't true, so how could you believe it about yourself? Brother, I just don't understand.

I don't know what it means to be in heaven and if you have any understanding of what is happening on earth after you have died. I trust that, like Jesus said to the criminal crucified next to him, that you are with him "in paradise"; that you are not continuing to suffer as a result of the pain of your death. I hope you know you are forgiven and deeply loved. I hope you are with our Father and our dad. I hope you are at peace and full of joy. I hope you know that I love you so much, that I miss you so much and that there will never be a day I don't wish you were here.

Love always,
   your twin sis

coping as best we can

In the days/weeks following Jerrod's death, I've searched for and immersed myself in anything grief related... anything to feel understood or to give words to the chaos of emotions I've been feeling. I just thought I'd compile some of those things for anyone who might ever need them or simply to refer back to myself.

Suffering and Sovereignty : Wrestling with God is going to be an ongoing journey. I found this reading/devotional plan shortly after Jerrod died and began reading it in the middle of the night when I was nursing Avery.  It takes you through the book of Job, Lamentations and Ecclesiastes. It's been helpful for exploring where God is in the midst of my suffering, reminding me of the truth of who God is and trying to experience him as a comforter who is grieving alongside me. There are so many answers I won't have until I see Jesus face-to-face. So many prayers can seem to go unanswered or the outcome does not align with my plea. I've prayed many prayers for Jerrod over the years and this certainly isn't the response I expected to receive.  While I don't believe God orchestrates all the pain and suffering in this world, I do know he allows it.  Why he intervenes in some situations and not in others, I will never understand. When I'm at my best, I know God can work this for his glory, but I'd rather not have lost my brother or, at the very least, not lost him to suicide.

David Kessler Training : This is an online grief course and workshop that also has a specific course for losing a loved one to suicide. I've only just begun the one specifically for suicide loss and it has 3 parts. The course is free, but I'm not sure about the others.

Surviving A Loss: losing a son to suicide : My aunt, who lost her 14-year-old son to suicide 4 years ago, shared this blog that she had found after Tanner's death.  Again, it's just nice - for lack of a better word - to know there are people out there who get what our family is going through.

Books
Currently reading:


Planning to read:
 
 





Music
I listened to this playlist on repeat after Jerrod died. In those first few days it was literally the only thing that kept me moving and the only adequate means of expressing my grief and giving me any ounce of hope. My need for God never felt so tangible and attempting to sing along in between sobs served as my cry and plea to the Lord to rescue us from this pain. If you have any other great worship song recommendations drop them in the comments section.