Anniversary of Loss

A year; it's been an entire year since Jerrod left this earth. Some days it feels like a lot longer and other moments it feels like just yesterday. It's been a shit year and a beautiful one. It's still really hard to sit with the reality of his absence and losing him in such a tragic, traumatic way. There's still plenty to process through and to let God heal. I don't have a ton of thoughts to share publicly and mostly created this post to share the above liturgy that was shared with me. Also, including a few quotes from one of the most accurate grief books I've read.

"You are alone in your grief. You alone carry the knowledge of how your grief lives in you. You alone know all the details, the subtlety and nuance of what's happened and what's been lost. You alone know how deeply your life has been changed. You alone have to face this, inside your own heart. No one can do this with you." (We are alone and we are not alone, such a weird experience.)

"Finding your middle way inside grief is about finding friendship with your own heart, making a home inside your own heart. It's in learning to bear witness to your own pain, in treating yourself like someone you love. It's about claiming your right to be in pain, without cleaning it up or making it pretty for someone else's comfort. It's about finding those who can share this path with you, who are not afraid to see your heart in all its pain and all its grace...The middle ground is always a work in progress. It's one that neither asks you to deny your pain, nor be forever engulfed by it. It's one that simply lets you find a home inside the reality of love, with all its beautiful and horrible parts."- It's Ok That You're Not Ok

"It's your life. The one you must make in the obliterated place that's now your world, where everything you used to be is simultaneously erased and omnipresent... The obliterated place is equal parts destruction and creation. The obliterated place is pitch black and bright light. It is water and parched earth. It is mud and it is manna. The real work of grief is making a home there." - Tiny Beautiful Things

Lauren Daigle reminds me so much of those early days of grief. I've connected a lot with her music today.

Thank you to anyone who has followed along this past year. The journey isn't over, but I'm not sure how much more I'll continue to share via this blog. Thank you for kind words, thoughts and prayers for me and my family. It is all truly appreciated. <3

Grief and Covid

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/

https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/2438/love-grief

Grief Share

My mom shared this resource with me, which is "A Season of Grief" daily e-mails and I just wanted to make note of it and pass it along to anyone who might find this helpful currently or in the future.

I'm on day 4, which discusses how grief lasts longer than expected. So much of the grief materials I have consumed the past 7 months have acknowledged how grief is not something that we get over, but also how this is an expectation from those around us; primarily those who have never experienced a deep loss. 

Today's e-mail even addresses how people within the church can act as if you lack faith if you're still grieving after some arbitrary amount of time. I get it. I wrestle with the question of do I truly believe the good news and in the reality of Heaven if my heart is still so broken over the earthly tragedy of Jerrod's death. I love the response:

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there’s going to be an ache that won’t quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain.”

We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God’s hands.

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love” (Psalm 6:2-4).

“I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief” (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB)."

God is close to the brokenhearted. It is an honest experience to both grieve and feel this pain and trust in the Lord for my healing and the hope of my future.

7 Months

I have continued to take a partial-hiatus from social media. The times I catch myself scrolling through my Instagram or Facebook feed on Safari, I'm aware of how empty and meaningless it feels and I close the window. In the initial wake of losing Jerrod, posting or blogging about some of what I was experiencing and receiving some acknowledgment, encouragement or word of comfort in return felt helpful. And then it didn't. I suddenly felt the need to more privately sit with my grief and tend to my heart alone with the Lord. It's a journey that I will continue to walk, mostly alone, because it's mine alone to carry.

We have lived so much life in the past 7 months, more than I would have thought possible with how much we have simultaneously been mourning. There are moments when I have been so consumed with joy, singing and dancing with my children, it feels like my heart could burst.  And just as quickly there are tears streaming down my face. It is an exhausting yin and yang. My heart aches that there was a last moment of Jerrod delighting in Jackson and that there never was nor ever will a be first moment of delighting in Avery.  My heart breaks for the future he will not have and the future we have without him. I said to Bret at Christmas, “we made it through the first one without Jerrod, but it’s just that: the first; the first of the rest of every Christmas without him.” We haven’t made it through and now we’re done; we’re only just beginning.

My blogging has also decreased because the reality is that it feels impossible to regularly and accurately convey what the process of living with grief feels like; words fall short. I start to type or post something and then I stop.  Mostly I just read other people's stories and experiences of grief and loss. They are tragic and beautiful: the love that we carry and the depths of grief and pain we can survive.  While they don't fully reflect my experience, I feel connected to a community of mourners finding their way through the impossible.  And because I have also used this blog to share resources, one community I'm in the process of getting connected to is called The Dinner Party.  I'll get the opportunity to meet with other 20-30-somethings who have also experienced a significant loss.  I'm hopeful of raw and authentic conversations with other individuals who have an understanding of the weight I carry. Books are great, but people are better. I'll try to update how it goes.

Last Day

Currently listening:


I have found myself emotionally consumed by this memoir. I didn't know Harris Wittels, though I unknowingly loved his work as a fan of Parks & Recreation. So his death was not something I became aware of until the death of my brother. I first heard his sister and mom sharing their story on Nora McInerny's podcast: Terrible, Thanks for Asking.  I remember sharing that podcast episode with my mom because I connected so much to their experience of finding out about Harris's death.  While my brother technically took his own life, he and Harris battled the same demon: heroin.  Since the tragic death of her brother, Stephanie Wittels Wachs has started a podcast that I'm just discovering and diving into after internet stalking her upon listening to half of her book on audio.  The way our brother's died and the circumstances following their death are very different, especially given the fact that my brother was not famous, but I connect so much to her emotional experience. And I LOVE the raw, real way she writes.

Grief & Christmas

A simplified list of things a grieving person would like people to be aware of at Christmas (though I would add any holiday or significant moment). Link at the bottom. 

1. Even the best times are punctuated with an awareness that someone is missing.
2. Social situations are hard.
3. Extended family can be awkward and uneasy.
4. Tears are not a problem.
5. It can be hard to remember why Christmas should be so merry.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-grieving-people-wish-you-knew-at-christmas

grief and the internet

Taken from https://www.thatericalper.com/2015/08/16/person-is-asking-for-advice-hn-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-reply-is-incredible/